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happiness... - 2000-11-21
I had dreams that were quite awful. Well, not as awful as the ones I had a few months ago, when I used to mix a lot of odd things with a lot of other odd things. But, still awful. They involved goodbyes. Goodbyes for no reason. Somebody important was leaving to go far away, and we would not be able talk. And she did not know when she was coming back. Last night in my dream, she came back. She told me to wise up. You see it's very simple: this weekend I fell pretty low, I mean, usually I can at least maintain control, but this weekend I could not. I was like the blob in a lava lamp, but somebody was shaking me around, ruining my fluid-ness. Making my water all cloudy... I had the dream, and woke up feeling quite alright. It is like I have been released of my misery... something I did not even ask for. Kind of like the calm after a storm. You see in the movies, lone sailers drooped over the edge of their barely floating boats in erie calm, gasping for breath but still very much alive. And I'm happy for the experience of being so low. Yes, happy. A long unused word... Where does it leave me? Happy? Well, no. I'm careful with that word right now, because back in tha day, I would come on here and bask in all of my cheer, I really had no ideas about a lot of important things going on. I was blind, or something. So I realize that cheer and happiness was not real. I wonder then, if I've ever been happy. I wonder then, if life is just the ultimate pursuit of true happiness. Plus I am fully aware that it is easier to fall down again, than it is to keep climbing up. So, maybe I am motivated again, and that is important. Maybe I am temporarly comfortable with my temporary life. It is going to get real better real soon afterall. Until then, somebody better damn well buy me that Tie Domi video tape for Christmas. That was sarcasm. Do so, and you will be mocked, just like Tie at the check-out at Please Mum.
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