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it's all over now, baby blue - 2000-09-18
So, I am feeling a little better, kind of achy, kind of blurry... But on the inside, I'm feeling like I have ups and downs again, I feel like I can feel. This morning started off disastrous. Last night I had probably the worst dream I've ever had... I can't even type the words, I can't say what it was about, I can't, I can't, I won't. I woke up shivering, and went to the toilet because I had a good idea what may happen. I did not, however, vomit, but I could not get back to sleep, I was so cold and my heart was pounding. Finally I did, and I had a better dream: fishy and I had found a place for term two, and we were happy there. I think me finding a place will bring me up quite a bit. I love closure, I love finding a solution. As soon as we sign a lease, and I hand over my cheques, a lot will likely be resolved in my mind. We're looking soon, but some other pretty good stuff happened today, with closure. I spent this afternoon uniquely, but in a way I have to get more accustomed to. I had to take my car in for a slight adjustment, and had time to kill... I took a walk in a relatively nice area of Kitchener, then sat and had lunch on my own at a McDonalds... There was a time when I simply could not do things on my own, but if university (along with Kwik Mart) has taught me anything, its that being alone, spending time with yourself, is vital, and makes you clearer when you are with others. Also makes you feel less alone in a crowd... I drove to pick up Natalie after her class, and we spent the later part of the afternoon together. Closure is what happened. Slight backstory: There has been some "things" with us in the past, recent and not, and there has been some "feelings" and some "wonders". We are both in very serious, very wonderful relationships. So, we talked about the past, and clarified it, and I think, understand it a whole lot better now, at least I know I do, and now I can be with her, and not always dwell on it, I can be with her as her very special friend, and not somebody who wants/wanted a relationship. It's all over now, yet it's all just beginning... Y'know? She asked me to tell her what has been wrong with me, and frankly, while I was there, I didn't know. So, right now I want to talk to Kim, and apologize for any reservations I ever had, and misplaced emotions, and confusions and any hard feelings, if any of the above. I want to tell her that everything is fine and I'm feeling a whole lot better. I want to hear her voice, basically, and tell her all that's happened... I hope tomorrow is good like this, too.
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