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i will make you hurt - 2000-10-22
So, well, shit. I am sitting here drinking salt water from a glass stolen from Times Square weeks ago. Listening to Pearl Jam. I don't know if I am supposed to be happy or sad right now, for today has been an equal mixture of both. I spent last night in London, and it was bittersweet. I left today amidst a wall of tears, it was just not something I felt I could feasibly do, I felt like I should stay there if I was welcome. My entire love is bittersweet because it is so far away, but not too far away where I couldn't feasibly spend every night there. Do you know what I'm saying? So, she wouldn't come home for Jen's birthday. That's understandable, there were circumstances. It was sort of still my birthday, too... I had a lovely time tonight, and danced and drank harder than I have in months and months, I think. I don't know how exactly I will feel tomorrow... Probably a little achy all over, a little achy breaky. But I made a point to look at the stars tonight, in the field behind my house, and they were out as visible as they can be in Elmira. I think I almost need more, though, I need to escape. Dustin and I were talking tonight about that, and he has a scenario for his life which I may just pilfer from him: I think I need to just escape on my own, and flee to an isolated place, and just be alone with myself, and stay that way until I become acquainted with just who that self is. The notion of my self, I thought I had it understood, but there is a big question mark there right now. I try to save my self, but my self keeps slipping away. I lose what I thought was myself. Is that change, or is that loss? Because change is good, and loss is, obviously, negative. I feel as if I have too many questions to throw out into cyberspace. It shouldn't matter, since it is quite evident that no one reads this shit anyhow. But the time has come where I can no longer write... and I really want to hear feedback from you people if you are there. I need you to tell me that everything is fine, or else I won't be fine. I will be sad, and I will be hurting. Does anybody else out there hurt? So, with that nonsense, I conlude the most bittersweet day I have ever had in my entire life.
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