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i watched you change - 2000-09-25
For the first time in ever, I am stepping up my personal writing. Obviously I have shared quite a bit online, and over ICQ, and I have sustained myself with little or no privacy. That's the way I wanted it, because I didn't feel as if there was anything about myself I was afraid to have the public know. I wanted you to understand me more, as I understood myself. For the first time in a long time, I am having trouble with the latter, understanding myself. I have always seen writing as therapy, and as an Apocaplypse Now-esque journey into the heart of one's self. So, I created a folder on my desktop, and in it will be bits and pieces of writings that I am afraid to have the whole world see. It will be bits and pieces that I will be afraid to have written... But they will be there, and they will be mine, for constant reference. I need to do this, because I am becoming far more secretive. There are just many, many things I cannot tell people now, and I'm not sure if it is just because I'm lazy, or I'm sick of being an open sore, my bloody insides exposed for the whole world to see, and throw salt on, if they so desired. It's been a long time coming. I started off with just wanting people to understand my emotions, and like I said, I no longer even, understand them. So, you wonder why my writing has been so disjointed and confused lately? This is likely why... Which isn't to say I will stop here. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I still love this, and will still write about the same things, more or less. I'm just keeping the confused things personal, until I can figure them out. I should have done this from the beginning, though.
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