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mayo - 2000-12-05
Long December... Well, here we go. The day that I have been looking forward to since September. The end of term. How does it feel? Like nothing, nothing at all. I'm pretty lonely, really, not excited about my month of time off yet. I'm pretty disturbed by a film I saw tonight, to boot... I really don't know what to do. I am twenty years old, am I supposed to have these things figured out? Am I supposed to be responsible and start planning my family, or am I supposed to go bar hopping on the weekends? It's too much to take, really. I don't want to be a kid, and I don't want to be an adult. There is not much in between. I just want to be me. But I really, really don't know what that is when I wake up one day and believe something, and I wake up the next day and believe something entirely opposite. Scary, really, when just last year I was convinced I knew it all, and I knew exactly what it was I was living for, and living to. Blah. This is likely getting confusing for you to read, and confusing for me to write. It is just a series of arrows that if you follow will lead you in a jagged and annoying circle. The snow was pretty as I drove home from Requiem for a Dream and coffee with fishy, but the driving was treacherous. Metaphor for my life? Well, who knows. Is my life pretty? It certainly isn't as hard as it could be... but driving through this age is certainly treacherous at times. Oh, I think it is late. In times like this when I get all baffling (quite often, right?), a line from a Smashing Pumpkins song repeats in my head over and over again... "I just want to be me. When I can, I will... Try to understand that when I can... I will."
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