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it all turns to shit - 2000-09-17
I understand I've made an ass of myself here lately. I've made an ass out myself in general these days. You need to know because it is very real, that there is something wrong inside of me, and I'm not the person I was last year at this time. I'm not happy anymore. I can't explain to you why, because Lord, I just don't know... I have no faults in my life right now, nothing that is bringing me down severely, except for this unidentified one. I thought it was over... I had a wonderful past three days, and figured I was becoming myself again. But out of nowhere today, the pain is back, and I feel heavy but I don't want to sleep... I don't want to do anything, that is my problem, nothing excites me like it should or it used to. Tonight, also, it has become totally real, for when I dropped Kim off, I completely lost it, and started crying... Usually I know when I am going to cry. This time, though, it just came, and it was a result of whatever weight has been tied to me, whatever demon is inside of me. People, this is the hardest thing I've ever posted. There are so many paragraphs I deleted, not because I don't want you to read them, rather, I can't express the words for what I'm feeling, and it all comes across as shit.
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