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i saw them from the ocean - 2000-06-09
My 'nice' night didn't turn out to be so stupendous after all. The play, I found to be quite well done. Quite evocative... There was never any question that it would be so. My former drama teacher, the director, it seems can do no wrong. But I ended up feeling the exact way I always do after watching these plays at the school, the same way I felt this time in 1998, except back then, I was capable of doing something about it. I feel that I wasted my high school life being morose, and not being on stage, or back stage where I really would have enjoyed being. Every time I go back, I just think how I should have more memories of the stage, and those people, a lot of them I have grown to love without the common bond of theatre. What I did end up doing was have a final year of high school on speed with theatre, directing my own play, and acting in two others. I would have liked to have spent more time doing that... But of course, nothing to do about that now, Kam. It's over. Your theatre career is over, right after it just got going. After the play, bluepixie, fishy and I spent about half an hour talking in Dustin's backyard, a place I have not set foot in since my graduation last year, when everyone was insistent on taking pictures of us. There were no cameras this time... We just chatted for a bit, until Chad picked me up for an impromptu coffee session. I was stuck not so much with the conversation (which is strange, because the two of them are conversation artists...), than I was with the smell of Dustin's garden. Heavenly. And from there, I could almost see stars in the sky, which I don't really feel I can see in Elmira. It was like Eden... heh. I feel that at times I take smells for granted. When asked which sense I could probably live most without, I usually say smell. But if I could never smell a garden again, or the way my fingers smell after a cigarette and coffee... I'd be missing a great chunk of my life. Which leads me too...: Chad. Okay, this is tough. He is leaving me. We are breaking up. Seriously, though, he is taking another job with a schedule that does not play well with mine. We will no longer be able to do the late night coffee thing. We, basically, will no longer be able to see each other. Which is okay, I guess... It's not as if he's dying. But we have gotten very close, closer than I ever have with a friend, and that is, for the most part going away, and that is going to take a while for me to get over. We are having a clean break. No hard feelings, we are just kind of walking away, and coming back whenever possible. I should not be bothered so much by this... But I will be, as I am unaccustomed to change, especially when everything is so lovely in my life. Deal, Kam, deal... Things could be worse. I left some food in his car tonight, that I will probably not see again. I'll be upset about that for a while...
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