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numb puzzle - 2000-11-10
Things just reek of depression tonight, my playlist, even, is spouting suicide, but I am proving myself strong and brave by not letting it get to me, like I would have just two short weeks ago. It's like the world is trying to press it's weight down on my back, and crush me, or smother me... My umbrella, though contrary to all cartoon law, deflects the anvil. I survive, and I'm smiling right now as I type this. I grin like a cheshire cat on pot. You see, I cannot express enough how much the idea of moving to London has provided me with some sort of goal, a horizon to look towards, that is not cloudy or vanishing. I am travelling down a dead highway, into a shimmery city of lights and hope. I have always taken pleasure in the dead things in life... but they are dead and don't provide. I get easily inspired by bright and shiny objects. I am not too far off, this was not an awkward metaphor for my feelings... I literally was driving down a a deserted highway into this God-forsaken town tonight. I looked around, at Vince's, at the coffee shop, at the high school, at the Roadhouse, and they are all dead to me. Just a few pleasing memories, and certainly no future. Nothing to inspire, and it's what's making me numb, I've figured out. Until I leave, I must extract some beauty in being numb, or else I am going to be mighty boring to read... How can I do that without bringing in artificial highs or lows? I should go exploring around here, like Kim and I did a few times in the summer, and find something interesting, one last little piece to the Elmira puzzle before I put it into the closet for the first time. Something new to think about. I have taken control of the songs, and they are a tad more upbeat. Maybe it's time to leave with that. And have sweet dreams of sugarplums and the great smoking sewer grates of London, dancing in my head.
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