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stargazing requiem - 2000-09-13
"stargazer, you call the shots, an I take 'em. stargazer, won't you kick with me..." That's about heroin, I think. The 'stargazer' name was lifted from a song of the same name by Mother Love Bone, the tragic band that spawned Pearl Jam. And when I gazed stars and it shaped me, I thought I'd be stargazer. You see, the thing about things right now, is that I don't feel anymore, everything just seems like motions. I feel like my emotions have been smoothed over, or locked up. I think maybe, I need answers, or at least, somebody to hug me and tell me everything is fine. Parts of me are lost, and missing, some for obvious, uncontrollable and okay reasons, but some things are missing for no reason whatsoever. stargazer, for instance, the part of me that wants to write, to feel, to experience, is missing. I just wish I knew where he went, because things are starting to become strange, and hollow. I have not even wanted to write here... I struggle through e-mails to friends who I should have millions of things to tell. I can't even do ky2k, something that truly made me happy only last week. --- Last night, for the first time in forever, I had a nightmare that I remember little about. It's the awakening I remember the most, because I was sweating, my heart was pounding, and I was a few seconds away from vomiting. I have never, ever felt like that before, at least, not since I can remember. I'm afraid to know what it was, since dreams have an odd way of becoming reality for me. I had a dream months before I "met" Kim that her and I would be together. I had a dream earlier this summer that I was at funeral for someone I knew closely from school, and watched as the casket was carried out to Radiohead's "Karma Police". "for a minute there, i lost my self" Since the actual funeral I was at this summer, for an old friend of mine, I've been thinking a lot about karma, and not being an asshole or a detriment to all that is good. --- So, what? Umm, I don't know what's happening. I know this has nothing to do with Kim being gone, because those feelings were different and they're dealt with. I know it's not school, because that is going relatively well. It's just different... About a week ago, I had a dream that included everything I have ever loved in my life... Kim was there, a lot of friends, family, my dog, even... I woke up with a horrible feeling that I had said a last goodbye to all of them. I feel like I have because I don't feel like me. So, maybe I just never knew what 'me' was, like I thought I did? Last year was an illusion? I hope to hell not, and frankly doubt it. I do, though, need to lose my illusion.
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