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grey rules - 2000-12-11
So kind of up and down. Up: I've become kind of inspired for things... I mean it this time. When I read certain books and certain authors, these things happen. I am writing a monologue that I think may really be something, if I can be original. But I have come to the realization that I can't just write and be original, and be amazing, I mean, I just don't have the experience for that yet. I have to start small and atrocious, and maybe in ten years, I will write something that doesn't make people's eyes roll. Coming up is Christmas, and a bunch of other really important events that I have looked forward to, and written repeatedly about for months. Just one more week, and they all start to happen, and I am giddy with excitement. I am going to start to pack tonight. I figure it is a good idea to get that out of the way before things become hectic later this week with exams. Not pack anything that I'll need of course, but my massive and useless collections of CDs and VHS tapes and Playstation games. Segues right into... Down: Moving. Moving out of the house for the first time. I am excited of course, but this puts an end to my youth. I have always had great issues with boxing up my life. I have watched my brothers and Kim move away from me, and it is one of the saddest things to watch, a loved one going through their closet, basically going through the things you remember from your time shared, and putting those things in those boxes, and taking them far away... Will it be better for me? I am not terribly happy here, and nobody is going to be overly sad to see me move out. The sorrows of being the youngest. People forget you and pack up their vans and take off to start new lives... And they take stuff with them that you want or need... I want to take something from somebody but nothing is left. Harrumph. To me, this is the last step to becoming an adult. My problem lately is that I can't reconcile if I'm a kid or an adult. I mean, am I supposed to go out and party, or am I supposed to plan my future, and go to libraries and seminars on RRSPs? Am I supposed to cringe when I say thw word 'fuck'? Is it still okay for me to listen to Marilyn Manson? Should I be taking baths and listening to Kenny G? Twenty is a funny age... One night I will want to go out and be decadent and dance and be irresponsible. Stumble down King St. at 3AM ripping letters off of React Signs... (that, umm, never, uhh, happened... just hypothetically speaking, of course.) The next day I will feel like a real heel for even wanting such things around my life. I want to be preachy and tell people not to drink so much, and not to stay out so late, and not to get piercings. I know I am at a sort of crossroads for maturity and responsibility and such... I just wish I wasn't such a yin yang of morals. I wish I could reconcile it better, find some sort of lovely grey area. I love grey... Oh, I think I may do a quick ky2k tonight. It's been a while.
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