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clear night stars - 2000-08-25
The stars in Elmira tonight, are the clearest I've ever seen them. I don't know what this means. I think it may be a metaphor, kind of a reward for how far I've come in these blissful fourteen months I've spent on my own, with only loved ones. The stars, to me, are clear, finally, in the environment where I live, where I'm rooted and where they've never been this clear before. It shows how clearly I see myself these days. I am comfortable with me, emotionally. I am happy. I still get angry and bitter, but I am happy with me, and with the people around me, friends and family alike. This revelation is powerful. It is special. It is exactly what I wanted at this point. I know who I am, I know who I love, and for the most part, I know where I'm going. The stars, tonight, were as strong as they were when I first became 'stargazer', and that was after a long, long journey. I am spending the last, most precious moments of this freedom with Kim, my first love, and I look forward to it greatly. Just her and I and a tent and a great lake. I wouldn't have it any other way. When I started my year off, I only dreamed of love. I hoped for understanding, and felt love would have been just a nice perk. But it is fantastic, and makes my year off so much more vital. Had I went to school right away, Kim would have just been a quiet, beautiful girl from high school. Only a memory. And now she is... so much more. :-) With all of that, it has become apparent that some people find me melodramatic. Well, maybe I am, on this site. But I kind of have to be, to be not so boring... I don't talk like this in real life... I think like this, and I say what I think, but... I don't use quite the same language. Sorry if that's weird, or a problem, those of you who deal with me face to face. --- I met with Antoni tonight (often referred to as Andrew here) and it was a lot nicer than I think I was expecting. The prospect of being his friend again is exciting, as I think I still may dwell on some of the badness left over from high school. But badness from high school is just that. Past. It's old, man. Final Fantasy 9 IS coming out soon... We missed FF8, but, there is still time. --- Last summer all I listened to was "Got You Where I Want You", by The Flys. I don't know how I felt listening to that song then. I always pictured those lyrics referring to somebody I was romantically chasing. But now, with everything I've realized, with as far as I've come, I apply it to myself. I am singing to myself: "Aaawooooo, got you where I want you, Y2K." We've come a long way, baby... Good night. This chapter of freedom is coming to an end, and it's sad because I automatically feel as if I'm losing some people. But really, I'm not. I just need to remember that, and let go of my penchant for the sappiness, and the, grrrr, melodrama. See you.
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