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losing a whole year - 2000-03-21
"Therapy is something that I have often considered, and has often been suggested by my parents... I never did it though, because I always wanted to try and work through my bitterness, and my depression on my own... And I have, more or less. Not that I'm trying to downplay how far you've come, not at all. I am proud and happy for you, as although I don't know, I believe you've probably had real issues compared to my 'real' issues. I've always lived a semi-charmed kinda life (baby, baby...), and it only got better for me when I started to say 'I want something else, to get me through this...etc.' All of my bitterness and depression was my fault (well, 90% of it). My darkest periods were all caused by me, painting my life black, pretty much, because I wanted to rebel, or change, or be greedy... So the answer was inside of me all along, the one that when I found it, would seem strange and odd, but would regardless cause me to ask myself 'doesn't it make you feel better?' The answer of course was yes, and I do feel better. I feel lucky, and I don't take my semi-charmed kind of life for granted anymore. Whoa, I didn't really intend to get into all of that right now, and right here... But now that I've typed it, it doesn't make much sense for me to delete it. I feel comfortable with you knowing stuff like this about me, still... It's hard for me to admit to people that most of the reason I ever was down, was because of me. It's humbling, in a nice kind of innocent shepherd-girl kind of way... But being humble is hard for somebody who always took pride in being strong.... But that's enough." It's all over.
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