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when you gonna make up your mind? - 2000-11-15
So, everything is in its right place... Oh, I don't know. What does that mean? What is right? Such difficult questions... What I do know is that last night I had another sort of breakdown, although different than any other I've had recently. Normally I just get scared... I don't question myself, but everybody on the outside. This breakdown, though, was all about self-loathing. I pretty much sunk to a level of low self esteem that I have never seen before. It's scary, of course, like all of these subterranian levels can be. Deeper pits of despair, darker catacombs of rage, how far wil I go? I'm sick of walking down so low. And, Jesus, I got carried away with my writing, even. It's like watching myself about to step on a rake that will hit me in the face, or fall down a hole covered with leaves and twigs. Or walk into the opening of a cave, painted on the side of a cliff. Cartoon violence. Yes, that is what I am subjecting to my soul. I am killing my self like Itchy kills Scratchy. It is totally prepared, totally written. I am aware it is happening, I know what it does, and I do it to myself. Alright, aside from the fact that I am very confusing, I have nothing to loathe. I know this. Then why do I say it? Acknowledging problems are the first step towards recovery... I also know that it snowed today and tonight. I got a chance to watch it, out the back door of Vince's, floating over the sole light shining on the dark back parking lot... The flakes looked like miniature falling stars, and I could not help but just look to the sky with a goofy grin, and put my arms out, and let myself be sprinkled with stars... Like some scene in a movie. It took me back. I used to do similar things last year. When I did not loathe myself. When I was happy and stable and I understood... So it took me back and I am back there... There is something about the air when it is snowing... Inhale, and your soul is rid of some of the feces that it accumulates in its dark orafices. Winter is a highly underrated season for the soul... I am happy. For now. It is winter, and I am becoming once again self aware... I spent the day reading about food not even fit for Samoans... I am happy.
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